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Letter to spawn

Sweetheart -

When you were a little girl, bows streaming in your hair and frogs on your shirt, you were always so determined, whether you were playing soccer or building a grand creation out of blocks. Nothing could deter you from achieving your childhood goals, even as a tiny, precious creature that you were.

The delight you've always brought me as a parent is unrivaled by anything else I've ever felt. Your small, soft hand would land safely into mine, as I steered you through life's physical obstacles. I was careful, lest you stumble or fall. Your pain was mine, as I embraced all things maternal with unbelievable wonder and joy. Watching you make mistakes, then the soft way you had at smoothing things over made my heart swell with pride. So impressive for a thing so tiny, so innocent, so...unlearned yet knowledgeable.

Impressive. That's a great word to describe you.

If only I had a dollar for every time I've remarked: "Why, that's my child" when you achieved things of greatness! So proud to be raising the perfect child. I was convinced you could do no wrong.

Blinded, indeed, by love-colored glasses, time has taught me that you will do wrong. I've watched you, in fact, during the most serious "learning curve" a human goes through, stumbling, falling and dusting off. You always land on your feet, and I'm still your biggest fan. It's true - there is nothing you can do that will ever even slightly diminish or tarnish the love I feel for you, a love so strong that swells my heart to near bursting. A love for you that radiates throughout me, paving a path inside me to allow more love - to receive and give - from others, a thing which didn't exist before you. You've taught me the most important lessons of my life.

Impressive. That's how I'll always see you, even after last night.

Imagine, then, my horror last night. This indiscretion was not only imprudent but careless and could've gotten many people hurt or in serious trouble.

"Felony" could've fallen into your realm last night.

"Heartache" so real that it felt like the world's evil claw, gripping my heart and burning through my extremities as I tried to wrap my head around what you'd done, threatened to choke me from existence.

"Love" reigning supreme over every other thing I felt in those two hours. My first reaction - upon running through this house and flying to your room - was absolute terror that you were hurt.

And now, after we've both written in our "shared" message book, pride.

Yes, sweetheart, pride. Pride that you took responsibility for all that you did without even trying to blame your peers, pride that you were honest with me when you didn't have to be, even pride that you managed to pull that one off with a modicum of responsibility. Secret pride, but pride nonetheless. All these emotions I have right now are bouncing around inside me, bumping up against one another, no one feeling stronger than another with the exception of my love for you. While it's true I'm confused and frustrated, I'm amazed at how strong the power of love truly is; for I have been truly tested.

While it could be easy for me to blame this on you, and cry how horrible you took advantage of me, I'm woman enough to know that when you're under /my/ care, it's /my/ responsibility. What happens to you - good or bad - rests on my shoulders.

I'm sorry that I failed you in a way that led you to believe what you did could slide. That won't happen again, and since we've talked about it, I know you wouldn't let it happen, either. Besides - there are so many more things you /could've/ done last night and didn't.

I'll take the hit this time, sweetheart, and only strive to be a better parent. I'm not the best parent in the world, but I try. I always will. To do right by you is my biggest goal, for you deserve no less. You know something? You might not be the best behaved child in the world - but those flaws are what make you so unique, so interesting. I embrace and accept them as you, and the woman you are trying to become. I embrace them because your good will always make up for your bad, and you give my life more meaning.

This morning, when I reached for your hand again, you touched my heart. And yours, sweetheart, is made of straight up perfect.

-Mommy

Comments

( 24 whispered — Speak )
mintytrina
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:57 am (UTC)
Whatever happened, I'm glad your daughter is okay! And I'm glad you two made a truce :)
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 01:30 am (UTC)
Thanks :) I'm sooooooo glad she's okay. She was scared, I was angry. I know it's a typical "push the envelope" teen thing, but JESUS I was SO scared. :/
juno_februa
Jun. 7th, 2008 02:36 am (UTC)
beautiful blog xxx
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
Thanks, Val :))
brim
Jun. 7th, 2008 04:44 am (UTC)
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwws. *sniffle*
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 09:15 am (UTC)
We did a bunch of that yesterday.
summercamp
Jun. 7th, 2008 07:05 am (UTC)
I'm curious to know what happened, but in the end, I'm glad everything turned out ok...
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 09:16 am (UTC)
Just a dumbass, teenaged thing.
ayoub
Jun. 7th, 2008 10:37 am (UTC)
*hugs you tight*
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 10:38 am (UTC)
*hugs you back*

Call now or?
ayoub
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:05 pm (UTC)
This eve... I'm not at home... :D
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
Oooooooo realllllllly? Have fun? :D When is the eve there? lol :>
lefthand_path
Jun. 7th, 2008 02:15 pm (UTC)
wow, um, i wouldn't be surprised if you end up reading this somewhere else eventually.
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 02:24 pm (UTC)
Yikes, I hope not. It was one of those learning experiences you don't ever want to repeat.
lefthand_path
Jun. 7th, 2008 02:27 pm (UTC)
i just wouldn't be shocked if someone stole this from you and used it somewhere else. it was beautifully written.
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 02:28 pm (UTC)
Awwwww. Thank you! That means a lot coming from you.
lefthand_path
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
you're welcome, and thank you! (now we commence doing the "thank you," "NO, thank you!" thing like those two chipmunks used to do in that cartoon)
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:15 pm (UTC)
Okay...No! Thank YOU. lol :>

Edited at 2008-06-07 03:16 pm (UTC)
lefthand_path
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:24 pm (UTC)
sweet icon. i was just watching some of them last night. LOL
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:28 pm (UTC)
It reminds me of...well, US. Hahahah :D
lefthand_path
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
well then, i guess the question is, which of us is which? i guess we're a little of both

LOL i was looking for the "artist's sketch" they always used in the show whenever they were saying like "police are looking for these two young men", the picture where they actually look normal. that picture always cracked me up.
none_too_subtle
Jun. 7th, 2008 03:52 pm (UTC)
We have qualities of both. lol

Yeah, that would be a great icon. lolol :D
nsingman
Jun. 8th, 2008 01:36 pm (UTC)
That was a wonderful letter, and could have been said by many of us, with very similar feelings regardless of the particular circumstances. Thanks for sharing it with us, and I'm glad that things are better.
none_too_subtle
Jun. 8th, 2008 03:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I can't stay angry at her for more than 10 minutes at a time despite the crime. lol :) Things are better because she was horrified into realizing that MANY things could've happened to her, if I didn't love her like I do. It scares me, though, that she actually thought she could get away with all that.
( 24 whispered — Speak )

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Words.

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.
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