I'm toying with this idea more and more frequently. Although I realize the more obsessive will track me down, I find /no joy/ in journaling these days, and in fact often feel...resentment. I'm surpressing a lot of what I want -- no, NEED -- to say, and that's never healthy.
Because other people read.
Ridiculous. I always swore -- once brutus007 joined, and I learned what "friending" was all about that I'd never hold back in here, never alter what I had to say or how I felt. Yet understanding I'm being read, and often, not only do I feel a certain degree of responsibility to those who read (which could include minors, no less), but also...I realize this has morphed into something I -- in good faith -- can't continue without either blowing a gasket or someone's head off. Neither of those are good.
I had to come to terms this year with my mother and my childhood. I realize now that she'll never apologize for what she did. But I also realized my adult responsibility and the role *I* played in my current unhappiness. As long as I let her, she would've continued making me as unhappy as she always had but only if I allowed it. Only if I opened that door. ONLY WITH MY ACTIVE, VOLUNTEERING PARTICIPATION. Now, I'm having to see her three times a week; she's come really close to breaking that fine strand I've put up for us, but hasn't breached it yet.
While reading this book (that I've recommended to everyone who reads this), I realize that ya know, I can't control a LOT of what's going on right now. Some of the things that I can control won't be immediate. What frightens me most, however, is my lack of desire in...following through with some of these pledges I've made to myself. Due to many reasons. Things change. We all do. Having to gut it out this past year in ways I could've /never/ foreseen has really taught me a lot. Most important, I've learned how...hopelessly shallow some people really are, while others are solid as an oak, often both groups surprising me.
What I will NOT ALLOW, HOWEVER, are poisonous influences in my life right now.
Particularly when they want to label themselves "friend." Because in my world, that back-door, double-face dealing ain't working. I can forgive, and also accept MY share of the adult responsibility. However...blindly, I've found that some "adults" with whom I'm dealing simply don't get it. They don't understand how *they* contribute to their own hell, particularly as it relates to me. Often, I feel this occurs because I don't carry on whining my ass off in every entry I write. Moreso, because I don't "elicit emotional support/help" from people who read, which always has been the cowardly way out. We aren't 13. We don't get our "muscle group" and try to "bully" our way. We don't rally a group of INTERNET PEOPLE to attack another ON THE INTERNET. How STUPID. I've lost I.Q. points with just a taste of it, or reading.
We fight the fights we can win. Really, it's that simple.
If a thing brings you no joy, you get rid of it.
If this thing brings you misery, you get rid of it quickly.
And if your left eye offends you...pluck it out.
I'm real close to that one right now. Again, I'm accepting the fact that life WILL twist, turn and become almost unbearable. I'm holding up well, all things considered and with no support whatsoever. I can even go as far as to "play happy" at work. But "play happy" for friends?! I'm not going to do it.
I suppose this is some kind of "notice to the masses." At least those who call themselves friend, yet really, genuinely don't know what it IS to be one. While I've been on this side of the fence and that one, experienced life fully from one end to the other, I'm faced with making crucial decisions right now. But what I won't do is compromise my child's or family's (or MY) health for all the wrong reasons. Nor will I justify, ever again, what's going on when ya know, it would HELP if I was trying to get "support from my good friends", but in reality, I'm screaming in the woods. I realized today that this IS why I don't write out what's going on, day by day; because out of those who read, I truly consider three people "friends", born from unconditional love and mutual interests, respect, and truly knowing one another and the crosses we have to bear. One of whom isn't even ON Live Journal.
I suppose what I'm trying to get around to saying is...this journal -- or my participation in it, or the interaction/cowardice/etc. associated with "friend tiers" -- is almost at a crucial, decision-making point. I've seen people come and go since I've had my LJ. I've sworn I'd never introduce a real life friend TO LJ (hahaha...gotta love THAT one), and also that "I would never do what they did...".
Never say never is being repeated, because indeed, I think I'm about to be one of those, despite the obsessive behavior of a handful who will find me no matter where I go or what I do.
But that's fine. What I WON'T deal with -- nor feel obligated to, while I'm going through all this crap -- are poisonous relationships. I don't /have/ to. None of us do. Yup, it has become just that disturbing.
Are we all cyborgs?! Do we not get it? Do we not have some obligation, when calling ourselves a friend, to read between the lines, feel love, compassion, empathy? I don't think so. Not in a journal. JOURNAL. A DIARY. And yes, I've let all these things creep up on me and it's NOT healthy. I have a doctor preaching it to me weekly, a child who needs me healthy, two parents who depend on me and a job that's stressful at best. NO. I will not go silent into the night. But I'll go. And I'll start over, WITHOUT the "burden" of "friends" or those who would call themselves such, without really demonstrating it, particularly at a time like this.
No. Just no.
I feel better just having made this decision. At first, I was going to do as sugar_candy did, and unfriend everyone. But then, I realized that some -- a couple of real life friends who read but never comment nor update their own journals -- would definitely wonder/panic/call/write and not get me. So I have that decision to make. C'mon...are ANY of our "journals" so important, SUCH a GREAT READ that we can't disappear? That'd be no. Even in my "happier days", my journaling efforts are for me, and they're never such a good read that I'd feel guilty about disappearing.
So yeah. After yesterday, losing my computer, and being hacked AGAIN, I'm reevaluating all these things AND dealing with that other stuff which won't be said aloud. I shouldn't have to say it daily. Really. This ain't junior high. This is, however, life in all its ugliness, unpleasantness and dealing with -- or HOW -- determines our growth. Or not.
I chose to grow. I fight the fights I can win. I do what I can, but I do NOT worry about what I cannot. I CAN'T. Stress will kill me if I continue on this path, and sorry -- but I want to see my daughter graduate.
Ja, this has sort of been a public service announcement, and no comments are desired. E-mail is um...futile until I get a new ISP (I'm fighting with AOwell on the phone right now). Ja. A lot to mull over, because I've been here awhile, and have some things that need to be remembered if I am going to exit stage left.
Or stay. If I do, I'm afraid the friend's list will have to go. And I do hate that, simply for the handful I DO call "friend." I'll NEVER point an accusing nor judgmental finger at ANYONE. That's God's job. Not mine. So as an adult, I make my decisions which suit ME. Right now, taking care of myself is crucial.
Eh. That is all.