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When a thing depreciates

Or holds no more value for you, it's best to get rid of it entirely.

I'm toying with this idea more and more frequently. Although I realize the more obsessive will track me down, I find /no joy/ in journaling these days, and in fact often feel...resentment. I'm surpressing a lot of what I want -- no, NEED -- to say, and that's never healthy.

And why?

Because other people read.

Ridiculous. I always swore -- once brutus007 joined, and I learned what "friending" was all about that I'd never hold back in here, never alter what I had to say or how I felt. Yet understanding I'm being read, and often, not only do I feel a certain degree of responsibility to those who read (which could include minors, no less), but also...I realize this has morphed into something I -- in good faith -- can't continue without either blowing a gasket or someone's head off. Neither of those are good.

I had to come to terms this year with my mother and my childhood. I realize now that she'll never apologize for what she did. But I also realized my adult responsibility and the role *I* played in my current unhappiness. As long as I let her, she would've continued making me as unhappy as she always had but only if I allowed it. Only if I opened that door. ONLY WITH MY ACTIVE, VOLUNTEERING PARTICIPATION. Now, I'm having to see her three times a week; she's come really close to breaking that fine strand I've put up for us, but hasn't breached it yet.

While reading this book (that I've recommended to everyone who reads this), I realize that ya know, I can't control a LOT of what's going on right now. Some of the things that I can control won't be immediate. What frightens me most, however, is my lack of desire in...following through with some of these pledges I've made to myself. Due to many reasons. Things change. We all do. Having to gut it out this past year in ways I could've /never/ foreseen has really taught me a lot. Most important, I've learned how...hopelessly shallow some people really are, while others are solid as an oak, often both groups surprising me.

What I will NOT ALLOW, HOWEVER, are poisonous influences in my life right now.

Particularly when they want to label themselves "friend." Because in my world, that back-door, double-face dealing ain't working. I can forgive, and also accept MY share of the adult responsibility. However...blindly, I've found that some "adults" with whom I'm dealing simply don't get it. They don't understand how *they* contribute to their own hell, particularly as it relates to me. Often, I feel this occurs because I don't carry on whining my ass off in every entry I write. Moreso, because I don't "elicit emotional support/help" from people who read, which always has been the cowardly way out. We aren't 13. We don't get our "muscle group" and try to "bully" our way. We don't rally a group of INTERNET PEOPLE to attack another ON THE INTERNET. How STUPID. I've lost I.Q. points with just a taste of it, or reading.

We fight the fights we can win. Really, it's that simple.

If a thing brings you no joy, you get rid of it.

If this thing brings you misery, you get rid of it quickly.

And if your left eye offends you...pluck it out.

I'm real close to that one right now. Again, I'm accepting the fact that life WILL twist, turn and become almost unbearable. I'm holding up well, all things considered and with no support whatsoever. I can even go as far as to "play happy" at work. But "play happy" for friends?! I'm not going to do it.

I suppose this is some kind of "notice to the masses." At least those who call themselves friend, yet really, genuinely don't know what it IS to be one. While I've been on this side of the fence and that one, experienced life fully from one end to the other, I'm faced with making crucial decisions right now. But what I won't do is compromise my child's or family's (or MY) health for all the wrong reasons. Nor will I justify, ever again, what's going on when ya know, it would HELP if I was trying to get "support from my good friends", but in reality, I'm screaming in the woods. I realized today that this IS why I don't write out what's going on, day by day; because out of those who read, I truly consider three people "friends", born from unconditional love and mutual interests, respect, and truly knowing one another and the crosses we have to bear. One of whom isn't even ON Live Journal.

I suppose what I'm trying to get around to saying is...this journal -- or my participation in it, or the interaction/cowardice/etc. associated with "friend tiers" -- is almost at a crucial, decision-making point. I've seen people come and go since I've had my LJ. I've sworn I'd never introduce a real life friend TO LJ (hahaha...gotta love THAT one), and also that "I would never do what they did...".

Never say never is being repeated, because indeed, I think I'm about to be one of those, despite the obsessive behavior of a handful who will find me no matter where I go or what I do.

But that's fine. What I WON'T deal with -- nor feel obligated to, while I'm going through all this crap -- are poisonous relationships. I don't /have/ to. None of us do. Yup, it has become just that disturbing.

Are we all cyborgs?! Do we not get it? Do we not have some obligation, when calling ourselves a friend, to read between the lines, feel love, compassion, empathy? I don't think so. Not in a journal. JOURNAL. A DIARY. And yes, I've let all these things creep up on me and it's NOT healthy. I have a doctor preaching it to me weekly, a child who needs me healthy, two parents who depend on me and a job that's stressful at best. NO. I will not go silent into the night. But I'll go. And I'll start over, WITHOUT the "burden" of "friends" or those who would call themselves such, without really demonstrating it, particularly at a time like this.

No. Just no.

I feel better just having made this decision. At first, I was going to do as sugar_candy did, and unfriend everyone. But then, I realized that some -- a couple of real life friends who read but never comment nor update their own journals -- would definitely wonder/panic/call/write and not get me. So I have that decision to make. C'mon...are ANY of our "journals" so important, SUCH a GREAT READ that we can't disappear? That'd be no. Even in my "happier days", my journaling efforts are for me, and they're never such a good read that I'd feel guilty about disappearing.

So yeah. After yesterday, losing my computer, and being hacked AGAIN, I'm reevaluating all these things AND dealing with that other stuff which won't be said aloud. I shouldn't have to say it daily. Really. This ain't junior high. This is, however, life in all its ugliness, unpleasantness and dealing with -- or HOW -- determines our growth. Or not.

I chose to grow. I fight the fights I can win. I do what I can, but I do NOT worry about what I cannot. I CAN'T. Stress will kill me if I continue on this path, and sorry -- but I want to see my daughter graduate.

Ja, this has sort of been a public service announcement, and no comments are desired. E-mail is um...futile until I get a new ISP (I'm fighting with AOwell on the phone right now). Ja. A lot to mull over, because I've been here awhile, and have some things that need to be remembered if I am going to exit stage left.

Or stay. If I do, I'm afraid the friend's list will have to go. And I do hate that, simply for the handful I DO call "friend." I'll NEVER point an accusing nor judgmental finger at ANYONE. That's God's job. Not mine. So as an adult, I make my decisions which suit ME. Right now, taking care of myself is crucial.

Eh. That is all.

Comments

( 16 whispered — Whisper to me )
summercamp
Aug. 16th, 2006 09:21 pm (UTC)
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. I'd miss you, but obviously your health and happiness come first...
none_too_subtle
Aug. 16th, 2006 10:00 pm (UTC)
Right. My doctor gave me a HUGE lecture on this and a lot of other things...made me think, especially when I saw the results of my last labs. Not good. Plus, after reading that book, I realized that /I'm/ contributing to it, simply by keeping this crap around. While I'm sure all things will work out, and work the way they need to, it'll take time. So...I've got to relax, stop DOING this to myself, and completely eliminate "external poisons" that seem to be constantly present. I can't control the no-computer thang. Not right now, anyway. But I /can/ control my environment in many different ways. Coming up with a plan is precisely what I'm doing.

What scares me is that I'm afraid I'll lose my temper. THEN it would get ugly. So yeah...slipping away would be best, don't ya think? So far, I've kept cool, despite the chaos. But...if I hear/see/think about some things -- which are absolutely out of my control right now -- I'll lose it, and it's NEVER pretty when I do.

Don't worry. I do consider you a very good friend and we'll always be connected here and there :) You should know that.
summercamp
Aug. 16th, 2006 10:10 pm (UTC)
Well, and the whole journaling thing is cutting into your practice time for the pro bowling tour, so maybe it's a good thing if you slow down for awhile :-)
none_too_subtle
Aug. 16th, 2006 10:15 pm (UTC)
Oooooooo! That was mean, mean, mean!! LOL. And you used your cute chipmunk icon in which to BE mean! How dare?!
atomicsappertom
Aug. 16th, 2006 09:54 pm (UTC)
Sorry to hear you feel so up-against-the-wall. Hang in there, do what you gotta and screw the small shit; it's not that I won't miss you but I'll know you're taking care of business.
none_too_subtle
Aug. 16th, 2006 10:14 pm (UTC)
Yeah, it's really REALLY tough right now. None of the issues are *small* though. I wish!! Small issues are easily handled. One has become exponentially...not only inflammatory, but...well, I'll hush. Discretion is /always/ the better part of valor, as you and I both know.

Yes, business, emotions, health. Got to. I'm doggedly working on those things. I won't just up and vanish. I'll forewarn but it'll be in a very tight/filtered entry just in case. Like I said -- the very ones I WON'T want following are obsessive by nature; so I have no doubt they'll scour the net looking for me, and ya know? THAT is a small thing that I refuse to worry about ;-) I can't control other people, their actions nor their feelings -- but I CAN control mine (or try to...lol). :)
atomicsappertom
Aug. 17th, 2006 06:08 am (UTC)
I guess by "small" I meant the relatively unimportant in comparison to one's "real life."

I.e., "LJ."

If it ain't funning you anymore, pitch it. Or scale back.
none_too_subtle
Aug. 17th, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
Right. It's not so much journaling; I've been doing it since...I've been able to pick up a pen. It's people. They'll say one thing, then live another life...or their threshold of reality is so small and fragile, that it makes you wonder how they survived this long.

Plus, I have some issues with that whole family values thing, too, when it comes to kids. So...yeah. Before I do get stupid (or smart, because in the end and after the fray, lessons WOULD be learned), I should simply get outta here.
atomicsappertom
Aug. 17th, 2006 11:37 am (UTC)
I guess I'm not reading enough of the other comment threads or these are debates you're having in other LJs. Are people getting all in your face about how you raise your daughter? I don't figure I know fuck-all about raising daughters so it'd never occur to me to criticize.

If you ever asked my opinion about something in particular, I'd certainly give the question serious thought (I hope), but absent that, NOMDB!
none_too_subtle
Aug. 17th, 2006 11:50 am (UTC)
No, no, no!! This is where real life unfortunately crosses with the internet.

Ya know, being a mother is the BEST thing I've done and still do. And watching CRAPPY mothers/fathers is not only difficult, but...unbearable, all because adults get a second chance at their own childhood, and boom -- what about the kids? My issues, though, and I can remove myself from watching it unfold, imaginging "the stories" or being involved.

If anything, I've been criticized for giving up all my free time/life TO my daughter. But no...! This has nothing to do with me as a parent; it really had nothing to do WITH parenting, but that's all rolled into the unhappy-me package right now. Okay, unhappy (today) isn't appropriate. I'm determined to shake this crap off, and move out.

I pay attention to every detail of what I've read since the beginning of "LJ friendhood." I remember things about people that THEY'VE forgotten. So I can, therefore, put myself in their shoes. Couple what they write with what we might've discussed on the phone, and I can pretty much tell you how their lives are. They, however, cannot do the same with mine.

And that's not even what bothers me. What does goes much deeper. Right now, I just have to be surrounded by ONLY positive energy. Seriously...getting that kinda news from your doctor and knowing that there's not /much/ you can do about it, but "stop worrying about what you CAN'T do/control" is something you CAN has kinda set me free. Well that, and having a good attorney. LOL :) Or being *just evil enough* to think with another hat, one which none of you guys have witnessed. So far. :) LOL ;-) I kinda like to keep my karma intact; but if a situation roars out of control, I will speak the truth as I see it, and it won't be pretty. That's truly what I'm trying to avoid.

Keep the apples in one basket, oranges in another. Yeah. Something like that. I realize these entries are /all/ sort of obscure; but they have to be right now, until I get a firm grip on this stuff. :> My apologies. Don't intend to confuse ya.
atomicsappertom
Aug. 17th, 2006 02:52 pm (UTC)
No apologies necessary, I'm quite sure.

In with the good air, out with the bad.

Have you seen any of the "Doctor Z" commercials?
none_too_subtle
Aug. 17th, 2006 03:25 pm (UTC)
I never watch television, remember? :) So no. Haven't seen 'em.
atomicsappertom
Aug. 17th, 2006 07:43 pm (UTC)
No TV? Interesting. I'm selective, I watch only certain shows, but will go to lengths (such as having them taped in the states and mailed to me) to continue watching them.

This Doctor Z guy in some car commercials is a guy I gave a visa.
none_too_subtle
Aug. 21st, 2006 02:05 pm (UTC)
No t.v. "shows" since *cough* Gilligan's Island*cough*. LOL :) In fact, if I'm at someone ELSE'S house, I'll either move out to another room, or read; but I completely AVOID watching/listening/etc. to television at all costs. :) Just a HUGE waste of time, and we all know the evils of advertising. Or some of us do. LOL :)
joeymichaels
Aug. 22nd, 2006 09:32 am (UTC)
Sorry things are krunky again. You know where to find me if you need me. :D
none_too_subtle
Aug. 22nd, 2006 09:36 am (UTC)
Aye. It's just life, and things popping up and me kinda isolating myself. I think having the whole "friends but not really" thing is /probably/ more dangerous than having no friends at all (if this makes sense). Having read my fair share of that great book I keep talking about, what I'm "missing" in life is human touch, and I seem to intentionally avoid it. Crazyness. Having everyone read all this crap is...hrm, non-productive...sort of.

Thanks, sweetie :)
( 16 whispered — Whisper to me )

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Words.

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
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Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.

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