Increasingly unhappy, yet unable to put a finger on it.
I finally did. I wasted NO time in rectifying that situation. Just like unhealthy relationships, I cut it off. I can't extrapolate in an open entry, but did want to say that despite any medical conditions I may have, despite my not being 20 years' old with life stretched out long in front of me, a change occurred that would absolutely horrify anyone over the age of, say, 25. The nature of the change doesn't matter. The fact that change occurred did.
Same as self-healing. After reading the book that I recommended everyone read, the reaffirmation of something I've always believed was there in black and white: We do have the ability to turn it all around. And belief is probably more than half of being.
Autonomy and its footsoldiers
I've always thought, foolishly, that I needed no one. Of course, I still like to bow up and think that I don't, or need them on a limited basis. However, I've been recently enlightened on a few things which I'm sure I already knew, yet didn't want to acknowledge -- the human touch is the most healing, and life-sustaining thing on this planet. Every bit as important as water and food, the touch of a human being can help us live longer. Of course, I sit, perched on my island of Terri and Kelsey (when she's not with her dad), thinking I need no one. I do. People do need people. Cliches ARE cliches simply because they're pretty much true. And those of us who ignore them (indeed, I'm most guilty of this) are most likely the unhappiest of all.
Autonomy is noble, in its own, charming, maybe even heroic way. But the day came when I realized that I'm NOT a man; and that women are made of creamed cheese and strawberries. And that spot inside me which I've loved to deny for so long is taking a peek, and finding its surroundings ... well, unsatisfactory.
But only I can change that. That's gonna be a little tougher than earlier this week, since I've spent a lifetime cutting people off and out, or simply not reaching out when I needed to. Hey...it always SEEMED to backfire, or something THRICE as horrific would occur, once I put a voice to the issue. This wasn't something I learned as an adult, but as a child. As an adult, however, I realize that it's one, huge gamble. Some people will be exactly as we think, while others will continually disappoint us, most of the time not even REALIZING the harm they do.
Can we forgive them? Absolutely.
Should we keep them around? Absolutely not.
So...while my island has always served me nicely, I'm making a list (of course hard copy), writing down names, literally, of everyone even remotely involved in my life. Either physically, 'net-ly, long-distance-ly or otherwise. If they've caused me grief in ANY way, I'm cutting bait. Catch and release. I have to do this to literally save myself. Because the changes I've made haven't been small. I don't do a thing small. I do it big, whether it's atrocious or wonderful. There's never been a nice little halfway for me. Time to change all that, too. But what I choose to share and with whom, that will be my choice, for my reasons.
And my "reason" right now is simply survival. Longevity. Brevity. Levity. If it doesn't add TO my life, it's gone. If it isn't supportive of who I am, my beliefs, what I say and how I say it, then it shouldn't be part of my life. If any of the seven deadly sins are attached to it, it's not worth being in my life. In fact, anyone who thinks BELIEVING in the seven deadly sins (or my mentioning it) is bad, they can scoot. At the VERY least, keep your disagreeing trap shut, because I'm not gonna listen.
I'm housecleaning in three different ways and DAMN IT FEELS GOOD. We do what we have to to freakin' survive. We do what we have to to keep those we love safe and happy. Some of us just have a better support system.
That's where I'll need to begin on quest deux. Not let loose the real friends I do have now. They're few, but absolutely great.
Cut the rope. We're the only ones who can set ourselves free.
I've cut one. I have about three other snags, and then I'll be on my way.
Oddly, "men" have nothing to do with this. LOL. :) Okay, maybe they do, but only on the OTHER, POSITIVE side of the fence I'm building.
If all that seemed obscure and...er, bizarre, you were warned not to read. Tsk, tsk.