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Life and another day without Kelsey

Ja. So I'm back from...a trip from Huntsvegas. No, didn't get it repaired and am still causing some damage to my heart by supergluing (ask my doctor...I'm gonna do whatev to make it stay until whenev). While there, however, I learned a whole bunch of things, none of which are relevant in a...way I'd want to share with hm, anyone, but in general, I feel should be shared later on down the pike, when no one remembers this trip and all that occurred.

I've lost my drop-cap and cap entry on the first line by using this format. *sobs* I'm too superficial to dwell on it, so I'm fine. Really.

Yay for those lil entries we can save as memories without the fruitloops of the universe "tag-searching" them, yeah?

So that's that. Plus I have my hard-copy journal. Today, when I was filling the last page of my most recent, the cover came slap off, so WOO...SUPERGLUE! The many uses of superglue and duct tape - endless. Endlessly fascinating.

Maybe I need to cut, because I feel all these words which are pointless about to spew forth onto the page. Skip it, because as usual, I'm free-form thinking out loud and you'll just be a victim. Again. *yawn*



Oh...said I wouldn't discuss it, so I won't. However -- I think it's noteworthy to say that AGAIN, my right freakin' nostril was infected by something. Last time, it was INside and hurt like a mofo. THIS time when I got home, I saw it on the OUTside, about the size of a small mountain, right nostril. It's kinda gross, so I won't get into the surgery I performed on myself.

Hmmm...with all the self-surgery I've been doing, I think with a little string, ductape, superglue, staples and nail gun, I could /probably/ do everything to my body that the doctors wanna do right now. Woo. Imagine the money I'd save the victor alpha?!?!

So I can only hypothesize that it's my ACUTE cat allergy which caused this...freakish painful bump anomaly. DAMN IT HURT. The relief I felt when I...yeah, was UNREAL. So...no more of that. My right nostril won't survive another night of sleeping in a house that has ungroomed cats in it with long hair and dandruff. Plus, the crap that's STILL evacuating my nostrils is about the size of a science fair entry, so yeah. Worse things could happen, I know. A girl's gotta make decisions, though.

Friendship
I've been forced to think long and hard about that word and what it means to...well, everybody. I think we all define it differently. But I've gotta say a few things about truth: there is no gray area in a truth. If so, then you ain't bein' right. The truth is black and white. No gray there, at least not when my mouth is running. For me to expect it back isn't unreasonable. Funny, how so many people shout at the rooftop that they DEMAND SOMEONE WHO'S HONEST, etc. etc. Okay -- if you WANT honesty, why do you bitch when you get it? DEAL WITH IT. Or stop claiming you're "tired of bitches who lie" mkay? Yeah. Think about that one for a while because my truths can cut right to the bone.

Of course all of this has to do with friendship. I know how *I* approach it in a real-life situation, and hell, even here. Someone needs me, and approaches me (or even INSINUATES they need help) and I'm there if I can in ANY way be there to help, no matter what shape, form or fashion it takes. That's my decision to help, as an adult. Not them *making* me. Thus, I have ZERO expectations when I help MY FRIENDS. Things happen. Life changes, often drastically and for the worse. It hurts but hell, so does the truth. But I've gotta say that when I do give my friendship, or help a friend, it doesn't have clauses, Catch 22's, and dammit you can take my word to the bank when I make you a promise dealing with your problem. Period. All day, twice on Sunday. I don't MAKE promises to friends if I know I can't deal with it. Because it's MY decision. They simply let me know they need help.

(Told ya this was rambling. Might wanna skip now, HUH?!)

So while I was really tempted to make a list defining how *I* see friendship, I've simply decided to write it all out before I chickened out, or decided that maybe it's not a good idea to say all this. Because it's NEVER the wrong time to tell a truth. And not one of us is promised tomorrow, or even tonight for that matter. It's never too late to tell our friends that we're there for them, no matter HOW bad things get, no matter what happens, nor the situation. If we commit...verbally or in writing to our friends, then dammit, we should damn well follow through with it if humanly possible, especially if it's OUR HELPING SOMEONE. None of this "but I thought this or that" or "well, I expected you to..." this or that bull shit. Seriously. That's NOT friendship. And woe be the person who drops the "L" word on you, and then takes a big fat dump right on top of your tumultuous world, all the while calling you a close friend. Because in Terri's world, that shit won't ever fly. It won't even get off ground. And somewhere down the road you're gonna pay for it in ways that'll make you regret EVER putting conditions on "love" and "serious friendship". That's a fact. Another most beautiful thing about being my age and knowing what I do is that I can say it without feeling ashamed, and without "taking it back". You can bet your ass I've given it a HELL of a lot of thought before taking pen to paper (or keys to journal in this case), even if it IS just rolling out of my head as I write.

Why do people put limitations on love and friendship??? *I* don't. I ALWAYS think to myself: "Will this even MATTER five years' from now?" If the answer is "no" I let it go. I don't do that stupid, cowardly score-keeping bullsheize, and I damn sure don't tell someone I love them only to MANIPULATE.

Yeah. Maybe I should just hush because this ain't gonna get prettier.

The Kelsmeister
She's still with her dad, and that's a planned and good thing right now. Since I did spend three solid days and nights (literally) crying so long and so hard that my EYES looked like someone punched me out (no joke...it was horrific), she does NOT need to see me this way. Now that I'm leveling out -- THANKS TO A REAL FRIEND WHO SNUCK UP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE -- I'm prepared for her. Our children know when we're so grossly unhappy that we're losing our grip. They feel it. And in my case, Kelsey wants to "help" me and "heal" me, God love her. She does, in her own way. But if I can avoid her feeling ANY pain on my behalf, I'm going to save her from it. And I'll also save Kelsey thoughts to what I've already written. Too much for the journal.

Which also leads to a real dark train of thought that I've learned should never be said aloud, not even (or hell, in THIS case ESPECIALLY) when we trust the other person.

Kelsey deserves better. SOMEthing good has GOT to happen, and it will. Or at least the blueprints of life are coming into focus now that I have someone on my side. Funny, how one person - who I've had very minimal contact with - would give me hope while those who "love me" and call me "friend" are the biggest no-shows of all.

Hell no, it's not funny. It's pathetic. Which is why I think we all should define "friendship" and what it really means to us. I can think of...20 people on my friend's list that if they were to call me from JAIL, I'd drop everything and bail them out. If they needed somewhere to STAY, despite my paranoia about "my hamster bubble", I'd welcome them in immediately AND feed them, allowing them to stay as long as they wanted. If I'm in a financial position to help, and I know it'll improve the quality of their life or especially their KIDS, I DO IT. NO QUESTIONS ASKED. NO THANK YOUS EXPECTED. I have people on /this/ list who I've done this for (and no, don't need or want to hear about it...just using it as an example). I have real-life friends who brought STRANGERS with them to my house during the hurricanes, and I made room for all of them.

So why am I ALWAYS shocked and confused when I don't see my "friends" who "love me" do the same thing? I mean, how much crap do I really have to tolerate before I realize "ya know...they DON'T GET IT"? It's my own fault. I let them in, and I had "friend expectations." I fully accept responsibility for all that. But take responsibility for them being jackasses who are that one out of 10, qualifying as "sociopaths" I won't. Even though they can't help it, it doesn't EXCUSE it. If you're some loser, damn...stay at home, but DON'T infect the rest of the world with your DSM IV disorder by proclaiming "love and friendship", two words you can't even spell, much less define. Do us ALL a favor.

I guess I don't get it. It makes me much happier to be IN a position to help, and to be needed, than to need help. I suppose I think others feel the same way. So when they don't, I'm ... well, more enlightened, I suppose. It's not a good thing, but ANOTHER thing we all have to learn along our journey here.

(A pause to LAUGH at my horriblescope, because it SAYS EXACTLY WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT. Freaky.)

It's true, though, that I've not verbalized or communicated even an inth of what's going on in my life. Why? I don't want to unnecessarily burden my "friends" or even acquaintances with the reality of it. So to me, when I DO share this, with just ONE person, it means I trust that person a HELL of a lot. What I don't expect is for that trust to be used in an austere way against me when that person feels they can play that card. Hell, it's like a bad marriage without sex.

And if you're on my friend's LIST (or truly a real-life friend, and you and I both know it undoubtedly) none of this applies to you. But it does give pause. We should all think about this, and rethink it occasionally, just to make sure we're on track.

End of all that, and on to a new subject. YAY. THE VICTOR ALPHA
Totally screwed up my prescriptions (my doctor FORGOT...SHUH?), and I have another appointment tomorrow (versus Wednesday...my bad). I'm dreading it. I spent a good chunk of today talking to various victor alpha employees about tests, retaking tests, blood work/results, PET results, MRI/CAT/X-rays...it's one, big, blur to me right now. ALL I want for the rest of today is to...simply rest. Getting all this out is a good start. I don't want to go tomorrow. =/ Flair-ups the WHOLE week (stress does NOT help...fact), and today was semi-decent. I just pray that I actually sleep tonight so that I'll make that early morning appointment. Too many logistics to figure out right now. Really, I do understand why SO many people get or stay married. It really does help to have someone else on your side during times of crisis. So that's that about the victor alpha.

Too many things happening, so Imma end this soon
Way too many things I've observed/seen/witnessed over the past few days to even begin journaling here. But a dream I was having this morning -- upon awakening -- was SO beautiful that I actually fought to go BACK to sleep to continue it. I'm keeping that dream to myself. Suffice it to say, however, that it was recurring, in that it was military (again) and me in Europe (again); only this time, I was arriving; usually, I dream I'm departing. My subconscious is telling me something. That lil move to Spain needs to happen quick, while I'm still able to freakin' walk. There's that.

Old buds getting in touch with me
While I was gone, I had five LONGGGGGGGG time friends/buddies (not to get 'em confused) contact me via e-mail. It's always so odd when this happens. I mean, you have what? Maybe a handful of people you honestly consider "those special ones" who will ALWAYS be in your head and heart. So when these others come along (and in MY bizarre/particular situation) I am startled that they even REMEMBER me, much less go through the trouble to FIND me and send me mail. But if never fails to make me feel a little warm and fuzzy.

The moral to the story, however, is to not EVER let anyone in, or let them that close. Ever again. Ever. Never ever. Like I've ALWAYS said -- where there are no expectations, there can be no disappointments. I need to repeat that mantra DAILY. My heart can't take any more. Thank God I haven't resorted to writing bad poetry (or at least where anyone can see), or making twisted "lists" of "dos" and "don'ts" for everyone to read as I'm want to do. :)

So my warm fuzzies are limited, but still there, despite the "loving friend letdowns". Because Kelsey and my dad - if NO ONE else on the planet -- prove that true, unconditional love does exist, all by itself without ANY help or hindrance from us. And that if we give in to it when we feel it's a reality, it's a beautiful thing.

Okay. I'm sleep-deprived, and need to make a phone call. I've rambled on, redundantly I'm sure, and so I'll stop this lil nightmare now. :> Thank me laterz. :) Due to the sensitive nature of this entry, comments will at first be screened. I don't NEED any "crap" right now (as my FRIENDS VERY WELL KNOW).

And quizzes. Because I can. :)
Your Ex is Narcissistic

Your ex thinks they're the most important person in the world and couldn't care less about anyone else.
Your ex definitely has a god complex.
People with narcissistic personality disorder want total power, lack empathy, and are very arrogant.
Sound at all familiar?

SO TRUE. OMG.

Noooooooo! Hahhahaha.

You Are 26% Feminine, 74% Masculine

You are in touch with your masculine side.
You are not overly sensitive and not easily moved.
Occasionally, though, something will get through and touch your heart!


C'mon...you gotta be sick of this by NOW...



You Are Lightning



Beautiful yet dangerous

People will stop and watch you when you appear

Even though you're capable of random violence



You are best known for: your power



Your dominant state: performing



Heh.

You've Changed 12% in 10 Years

You've hardly changed in ten years, from your lifestyle to those very retro clothes.
And unless you were really ahead of your time, you probably need to acquaint yourself with the modern world!


One more, because...um, I can (but it can't be true, because I'm ALWAYS an ENTJ/INTJ):

Your Personality is Very Rare (INTP)

Your personality type is goofy, imaginative, relaxed, and brilliant.

Only about 4% of all people have your personality, including 2% of all women and 6% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.


This has been an uncircumsised quiz-fest brought to you by my evil other half. ;-)



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Words.

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.
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