Creeping Through The Cellar Door (none_too_subtle) wrote,
Creeping Through The Cellar Door

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Alabama LJer Shocker ... heh

Sweet Home...Alabama?

Early morning mistake
Out of serious morbid curiousity, and also procrastination (ducking, running, hiding), I browsed the directory by location. There are more than 4,000 LJ users in Alabama, more than 700 of whom dwell in Boringham. This is frightening for many reasons on different levels. I also got to purview their loverly icons, and yes, a couple of yernals. :D YEAH BABY. THIS IS ALABAMA.

Ever wonder why no one evah talks to you, no responses are gotten, no one visits? I found the Alabama reasons! Heh.

1. If you don't have all your teeth, don't post a picture of you laughing.

2. Never ever have your headshot taken in front of cheap, brown-paneled walls. Never. Ever. I don't care if you're a stud muffin; the wall depreciates your man-value by at LEAST 40 good I.Q. points.

3. If you drive a redneck BMW, don't POSE by it. Some of us graduated highschool.

4. The rebel flag is okay, in some situations. But does it have to be your mantra? *cough*

5. I remember when I had my first beer. But I didn't advertise it *cough*.

6. If you're gonna be a drunk, do so in private; there's no need to prove the rest of the world right when allllll you write about is your drinking orgy the night before (while you're still drunk, no less). :)

7. Okay, you're a ho and proud. But PLEASE for the LOVE OF GOD, take 'Birmingham' out of our ability to search for you. Carry on.

8. While being a carpenter is what Jesus did, and it's even better than being unemployed, I'm not thinking very many women will see the correlation between your 'job description' and your desire to keep a journal. (Explanation as to why you only list yourself as your's sad).

9. If you live in a shanty, that's cool. Okay, it might not be cool if your porch collapses and kills five dogs. But do you honestly think taking a picture with all 500 lbs. of you in front of the shanty will "Win Friends and Influence Pee-Pal?" No.

10. We all get sad, and overdo it sometimes in an effort to 'find peace.' But usually, we keep the illegal stuff to ourselves. Unless you live in Alaska, I'm thinking you need to keep your Scooby Snacks private.

11. What's that? You're "Goth"? Please define this for me (once and for all) and quit the charade. In the '80s, it was called Mod. Why you gotta go changin' shiite? Just because you wear black doesn't mean you're a vampire, nor does it mean you have license to run around killing pee-pal (that's my job). Cut the goth crap already, or at least give a good explanation of how you mutated here.

12. It's Saturday night, and once again (not by your choice) you don't have a date or any friends to hang out with. Unless you're a hermit, you should seriously consider what it is you're doing to turn everyone off. The next, and most obvious, question is "Why do you want to tell us how miserable you are? Even *I* keep my seriously depressing shiite in private posts only. Is this an Alabama thing?!?

13. Remember back during the Alabama room of AOL days, when someone would get so stupid they'd say: "That does it! I'm leaving and never ever coming back!"? It seems Alabamians still do this, only now it's in LJ. Okay, leave already and stop talking about it. It's probably because no one cares anyway. Whining about it makes you look infantile and muy estupido.

...and last but certainly not least...

14. If any of your dearly departed relatives' last words were "Look here, ya' THIS!" we REALLY don't need to hear details of that doomsday tragedy.

And if you don't like, bite me. Yeah, that's it. Born and raised here, I've traveled more than six blocks from my hometown and have discovered the world around me. Alabama is kinda funky these days. I'll blame it on the 'all others' who've found homes here. Enough procrastination. We outta here.
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