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The painting, the girls, and life

I've white-washed the whole window and started new. This time, I'm going for a Picasso-esque look in lieu of something feminine (which I should've done to start with). It's shaping up nicely and is almost finished. I'm proud of it :) The colors are very mid-westernish and the highlights are showing up BRIGHT. So. That's that.

The girls
Started off with two. At first they tried to talk me into going to a concert (unsupervised, no less). They listed "all these people" who were going without parents, and I'm sorry -- but a 15-year-old has NO RIGHT TO BE OUT AT NIGHT without a parent PERIOD. Especially in a club, where you KNOW there will be drinking. Although I trust Kelsey, I don't trust other people. I tried explaining this to her, but still, the disappointment on her face made me at first, feel guilty, then angry.

It didn't stop there.

I agreed to let them have a couple of friends over. Allegedly, there were to be five girls. Period. That was fine. Cameron had already spent one night (which isn't new), and the others showed up later (after my typical bedtime). I was up, however, painting. I hear boys. Okay, I'm not worried because I can /hear/ them. There are two, who are both younger than the girls.

I have no problem with that. They left around 10, which was perfect.

Earlier, I'd told the girls that 1 p.m. was their cutoff. They had to be preparing for bed, and comfy by then. This was non-negotiable, because Kelsey has been worn out all weekend, and I don't want her falling asleep in school. I get up around 1:15 (still painting), and I hear Cameron in the bathroom and some boy's voice, with her giving him instructions to my house.

Let's alllllllllll try to guess at how livid I was?

No let's don't. And when his punk ass said "why can't I come over" I YELLED "BECAUSE IT'S 1 A.M. AND THIS IS MY HOUSE."


I'm extremely disappointed. Cameron's parents would've grounded her until kingdom come. I know how they are, as well as Kelsey's other friend's parents (not to mention Kelsey's dad). I really need to talk with him about things that are bothering me with her right now, but he's STILL ANGRY from the divorce. The frustration I feel is unbelievable, and I cannot do this alone. And from now on, I'll ALWAYS worry when she's with him. I already know too much about her after-school activities as is. She's rebellious, fights with the bus driver, gives her teachers a hard time, disrespects them, gets away with it, and all the while, treating ME like gum on her shoe.

It's intervention time. With a hostile dad who won't cooperate. Great. Yay for me. I know how to pick 'em. The last time I talked with him and said "swear to me that you won't betray this confidence to her" he /did/. UNBELIEVABLE. I shared with him knowledge that happened RIGHT UNDER HIS NOSE but he knew nothing about, only because I wanted him to pay more attention to what she does while he's hanging out and drinking with her friend's families. Did that work? NO. He CONFRONTS HER, GROUNDS HER, BETRAYS ME.

All of this is stacking up, and also the statute of limitations is up for my parent's will. I'm worried about that "closure" too. I don't know how I'll react, once it's said and done. I've been tempted to call the number to see if it's still on, but that would hurt. I don't know why I want to do it, even.

I really really need a break, without ANYONE /wanting/ anything from me, left alone, peaceful and quiet, with no obligations for about a week so I can recharge and get all these emotions under control. I've had it in every way, and my patience is up.

Not to mention THIS WEEK is Z's "deadline" for getting the son out. I'm afraid it's not going to be good if it doesn't happen. I know how *I* will feel, and that will NOT bode well for any relationship.

Geez, I want off this train. And I want my knees and hands to stop hurting. I want to tell my dad all of these things, and have him talk me through it, or cry on his shoulder =( I want to scream and rail at how unfair life is, and how horrible difficult time is right now, but there's no one to hear my screams and I just want to stop.

Everything. Stop.

I'm still up, all these things swimming in my head like a crowded kiddie pool, thoughts colliding with one another to remind me that HEY, this needs worrying about, too. You can stitch those motivational things on a pillow all you want, and throw quotes my way, but it's nothing I've never heard before and won't help. I'm grossly unhappy right.this.moment. I knew my relationship with her was too good to be true, or to last forever. I thought her dad would be over the divorce by NOW. And I damn sure thought my life would be "stable" now, too.

Instead all this chaos. All these tests that keep popping up quickly, tests for which I'm woefully unqualified and am destined to fail, since another test will go unrequited.

Geez. I need a good thing. My clothes don't fit anymore, and all this, too?! One. Good. Thing.



( 15 whispered — Speak )
Jan. 27th, 2008 09:25 am (UTC)
I know that overwhelmed feeling well. It sucks. But it does eventually pass and the good things come along again. I know that you already know that, but I find sometimes it helps to be reminded!

Thinking of you, and sending positive vibes your way!

Jan. 27th, 2008 09:51 am (UTC)
Things just always hit at the same time. Thanks. *hugs back*
Jan. 27th, 2008 10:54 am (UTC)
Jan. 27th, 2008 11:45 am (UTC)
Thank you. *hugs back*

I know it's a phase, and I hope it passes without her being scathed during it. But damn, it's hard.
Jan. 27th, 2008 12:03 pm (UTC)
*hugs, head rubs*
Jan. 27th, 2008 12:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks. It's rough right now, as you know.
Jan. 27th, 2008 09:14 pm (UTC)
She's going through her teenage years. Where in her mind friends, hanging out, and not listening to parents is what everyone else does so she wants part of it.

My mom had to go through it all and I feel bad about it all, but we all come around to it. I always thought I had everything on the downlow but as they say, "Mothers will always find out everything" she did and secretly had her eye on me. She was waiting for the day my actions got way out of hand to put her foot down. It never happened, but she was discrete and sly about how she handled the situation. It helped in the long run because I ended up coming to my own terms.

My mother talking to me was never helpful, I never cared. My friends were right ALWAYS. Either way it's a stage until one realizes that the number one people there for you even when things don't go right and your ass is on the line is family.
Jan. 27th, 2008 09:18 pm (UTC)
She's always been smarter and more mature than that. I think she just wants to make other people happy. If it wasn't for her friend, nothing would've occurred. Sure, we've had our little issues, but both of us are going through changes. We do love each other genuinely, and that is enough for me.

I'll never be sly with her. Honestly? I'd rather then drink and do whatever HERE than out somewhere. She knows this, but doesn't partake (but has been around it).

So where have you been, and what's up?!
Jan. 27th, 2008 09:40 pm (UTC)
Friends tend to have that overtake on teens. My mother and I always have loved each other and that'll never stop. She was sly in the sense where she wasn't blind sided by not wanting to face reality. Which you seem to be the exact same. Just she never always full on confronted me about the situations. She always tried to let me figure my way around things unless I asked for the help.

Nothing much. Was trying to the most as possibly the past few weeks because I had started college on Thursday. Isn't easy adapting after an 8 month vacation off of school.

Jan. 27th, 2008 10:17 pm (UTC)
Wowwwwww. College! Are you excited? What do you plan on majoring in?

I'm up to nada, chica. Same old crap as usual. Working a new job (real stressful), and trying to keep my head above water :) I miss reading you.
Jan. 27th, 2008 11:01 pm (UTC)
It's okay. Just can't stand the travel of two hours to get there and then another two hours to get back home. Right now I'm in Social Science.. then next semester I plan to major in Criminology and when I go to University in two years I'll see. All I know is I wish to work within the criminal justice system. I'm leaning towards probationary officer OR a psychiatrist within the prison.
Jan. 30th, 2008 07:49 pm (UTC)
That's four hours of travel! Yikes!
Jan. 28th, 2008 08:23 am (UTC)

Y'know... Cuz good things will come...

And yeah inviting a guy around at 1 am? Not good...
Jan. 28th, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
I hope so. I did get a free, awesome bluetooth today. That's a good thing. But only after SERIOUSLY BUSTING ACE at work. Man. They almost killed me.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 29th, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
I dunno; one area of my lifee clears up, and new, fun, interesting, and oh so joyous NEW THINGS start happening. I just want peace and quiet!!!
( 15 whispered — Speak )


Creeping Through The Cellar Door
Stepparenting Column

Latest Month

December 2015


Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.
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