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Something -- other than the physical problems -- is definitely wrong with me. Today, I've no energy to do anything. Getting out of bed was pure drudgery; work was horrible. I had things to take care of today, and none of them were optimistic. I honestly feel I tricked myself into thinking I wouldn't go THROUGH this right now, since I have been crying like a healthy person.

Depression -- a lonely road

It sneaks up on you when you're not looking. I feel I've surpressed the past year or so so deeply that a 'trigger' finally went off, and I'm about to lose it. Financially, emotionally...I'm sucked into this no-win dungeon, a dark and scary place that has me almost paralyzed with fear. Of course, I don't hide the fact that I have a depressed personality, but I've been very strong for the past couple of years. This is the worst time right now. I can't think my way out of it, and my terripist isn't really helping. Let's face it -- a chemical imbalance is just that; no therapy in the world can stop it when you're about to be sucked into your illness. You start thinking about things that are going on and that have happened, your decisions, how wrong they all seem to be, and THEN your inability to take your big eraser and make it all better. You ask 'why me' and there's no answer. You commit every day to try and help others, and do when you can. You don't expect anything in return, but it would be nice if it happened. Does it ever?

Like a cat, I go into seclusion. No sense in sharing this with everyone (except in my journal; this is part of my therapy...(cough)). You'd have to live it to understand it, so I won't get into the details -- either biologically or affectively -- in here.

Making my situation extra fun, add a fever, sore throat and a headache. Co-pay for the doctor? Yeah, okay. That's going to happen. After work, I went to bed and immediately fell asleep. I kept waking up sweating, freezing, sweating, freezing, fretting...so scared that something is MORE wrong with me than what I'm already aware of. I'm sure those of you who have experienced depression do know what I'm going through. I wish I could just stay in bed until I feel a little better, and have some 'me' time to work things out in my head; living life and trying to support me and K is simply not working. I have no consumer debt, but living expenses alone are killing me. Yeah, it's depressing.

I AM sick physically, but work has to go on no matter how bad I feel. I've literally kept to myself, sequestered in my office in an effort to not snap out at others, or cry in front of them like some silly school girl. They're used to seeing me happy or goofy; not teary and stupid like I feel right now.

Okay...I'm not going to expound on this one right now. I'll pray. If ever I needed a good thing to happen, or something positive from out of the blue, right now would be it. Not saying that it would 'cure' me, but it would give life color for me, when I'm living in shades of gray right now.

Nesting, and its advantages

After scribbling the last passage almost in tears, and feeling sickeningly sorry for myself, I looked around me and made a command decision to attend to every stitch of clothing that wasn't put up, and in its place. Having accomplished this, I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep. This was, mind you, no easy feat. I should've known I was about to get into this emotional situation, because trying on clothes and putting them in the pappisan chair (or piling) seems to be one of the indicators. Not taking the time to hang them back UP when I don't wear them. If the pile is close to the ceiling, it's time to commit yourself...lol. I'm happy to report that nary a pair of socks, slacks, suit, nor tights are anywhere in sight. Thank GOD. Did it make me feel better? Not really. But at least I won't have to look at that chit tomorrow.

Nite, all.

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Words.

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.

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