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If you're a reader, I'd just skip all this.

Since I apparently woke up right as the call was made, I was the first 'civilian' outside during all the hoop-la. Soon after the 20 police cars, several negotiators and detectives from the city showed up in unmarked cars. Um...doesn't take a genius to figure out what was going on. Then, fire and rescue backed into the area about an hour later. Everyone, at this point was outside.

I snatched one of the younger officers aside, asked specifically if it was a hostage/murder/suicide and he said "yes." When I asked if Scott was involved/dead, he said yes (Scott is the crackhead who stole my dog and has been 'in my face walking through my yard' since I've lived here...he stole my dog at ANOTHER complex which I moved in right after my ex took the house).

It occurred at a couple's house early this morning. Obviously, they've been up all night using crack, and the two of them are 'feared' by their elderly neighbors, constantly having the police called on them for fighting, etc. I can imagine the scenario inside. All three of them using ALL night long (Scott spends every dollar he makes during the week -- sometimes upwards of $6k -- on his weekend crack binge); they started coming down, things got ugly. Everyone's paranoid/nervous. Scott's too old to be using that crap ANYway. But it was affirmed that he killed himself by the police who talked with me. It was definitely Scott.

Not soon after the rescue truck pulled up, it backed around to the other side of the building. A HEARSE pulled up. WTH? I have NEVER seen a body taken away by a hearse without an AUTOPSY DONE by officials FIRST. What'ssssssss going on?! The police, detectives and negotiator all scrambled to their respective vehicles, pulling out kits, and prepared to search the residence. I'm sure we won't see it on the news; the board of directors here will keep it quiet.

It's scary when someone you've actually had a conversation with commits suicide. In my life, I've known way too many 'real' suicides, and have had to deal with friends dying this way. Scott wasn't a friend; if anything, I had REAL ugly feelings towards him, his lifestyle and of course, stealing my dog. But now, I feel sad. He's doomed. I don't think St. Peter's standing at the pearly gates ready to welcome him in, and I imagine the very worst. I knew Scott. And he's as soulless and evil as anyone I've met, truly. He has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and I struggle with these feelings I still have towards him. He was bad; but I'd never want this to happen to ANYone. Gotta let go of the angry feelings, I think, so I can grieve; not because I liked him, but because I can imagine the hell he was going through in his head that compelled him to use such a soul-destroying substance for so long, that it finally caused him to take his own life.

Can't really focus on anything right now. K's in the shower and going to visit her Mimi and Pops. A girlfriend is coming by to visit, and I'll talk with her.

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( 9 whispered — Whisper to me )
pianoscry
Dec. 7th, 2003 01:50 pm (UTC)
It is sad, and I'm sorry you had to experience that. Maybe taking his own life was the only way he felt he had control. At least you know he won't be hurting anyone anymore, and maybe his cohorts will take a cue and change their habits before things get worse for them too.

*hugs*
none_too_subtle
Dec. 7th, 2003 01:58 pm (UTC)
I think he'd just finally had enough. His life was...pointless. No real friends, no girlfriend, lost visitation with his children (can't even talk on the phone with them)...and somehow lost himself in the quagmire of drug abuse. It destroyed him. I hate that I even KNOW about it, and do only because he stayed with a neighbor in my old complex =/

Everybody around here is acting really weird. The old people are scared, and the young people are...paranoid? I don't know...it's just uneasy around here.

Thanks. *hugs back*
agateway
Dec. 7th, 2003 01:59 pm (UTC)
If you are up for a call later, let me know. I am going to be at the mom's for awhile and you know how insane she drives me.

I know that has to be hard to see and deal with. And I say this as a person who has tried many times to kill herself and damn near succeeded more than once. And you are dealing with some messed up feelings my friend. I remember when a boy I went to school with died. He made fun of me daily and humiliated me constantly. Everyone else cried and yet I hated him for how horrid he made me feel. I never wished death on him (more on myself) but I still couldn't exactly weep either.
none_too_subtle
Dec. 7th, 2003 02:06 pm (UTC)
More than once
A good friend in H.S. shot herself. My BEST friend, one month to the day of my divorce, shot herself.

True suicides (not passive) will accomplish it the one and only time they really try. The others are cries for help, even though they're real. You typically don't have to fear the death of a passive individual.

No, I'm not feeling well about this BECAUSE of the conflicting emotions I had about him. Then, when I saw the body...ugh. Not good.

True suicides typically do it one of two ways: A gun, or a car. Passives use drugs, 'slice' at their arms, are known 'cutters' ... but still, don't pose a real threat to themselves and definitely not other people. You learn alot about it when it's so close to home (take Richard's passive attempt last summer...REAL passive, and barely drew any blood).

I met a guy a few years' ago who was hit by a car when he was three. My ex husband knew him, and I befriended him (no one else would...he was badly deformed). He worked at a grocery store, but he liked to sing. One day, he approached me all excited, telling me about his new 'girlfriend.' Curious, I asked about her. She was a stripper.

One month later, she took all his furniture, drained his accounts, and sold his collectible items. He drove to Nevada, and committed suicide. Without saying a word to ANYone.

It's just sick. It's also very selfish, and I have to remember that. I'm sure none of these people think of "who was hurt by my actions." And in Scott's case...I wonder if anyone really WAS. I know that sounds awful, but...he truly had no redeeming qualities at all, definitely none that would make you MISS him (unless he was your drug connection). So...this is a tough thing to deal with. =/

Everyone thinks about doing it, at some point. And I'm sure we all think about how. It's the how that gets scary, but I think I've always known that. Makes you wonder why these people who WERE loved never called those close to them for help. And it makes US (the friends left behind) wonder why we're such losers that they didn't consider our council before doing it. I don't know. I'm just confused right now, I think.
agateway
Dec. 7th, 2003 02:18 pm (UTC)
Re: More than once
See, I never took the cutting or the attempt as passive. The cutting I hid from everyone. No one knew. That was my release of pent up sadness. Unlike the little girls who cut where the world can see, mine was on my arms and thighs where you couldn't. I was ashamed of what I did and didn't want anyone to know.

The suicide attempts were real but done with pills because I honestly didn't want my family to have to deal with a body. I saw my grandfather after he blew his head off. It wasn't pretty and I didn't think they deserved that. Was in the right frame of mind back then? No. I didn't fear death but didn't think my family, who I hated, deserved to see me as they saw my grandfather. But you are right, it is very selfish. Very fucking selfish yet sometimes the only option someone sees.

I have lost family members (obviously severe depression and suicides run in the family). But somehow it's different losing a friend. With my grandfather, it hurt because I really hoped he would have talked to someone and was fucking furious at him. Yet years later when I OD'd and was brought back in the ambulance, I didn't care. I just wanted to die.

And Jesus, you have been through enough lately. I am sorry and that you have lost people to suicide before. Please know I can listen if you need me to. I care and I worry about you. I do.
none_too_subtle
Dec. 7th, 2003 02:22 pm (UTC)
Re: More than once
No need to worry about me. I do tend to stay locked up in my own little world, not unlike severely depressed personalities. Perhaps it's partially the reason I'm sooo anti-social.

I'm dealing with it. K's at her grandparent's, so I'm able to think. But we all know I get in trouble when I think too much...or something.

Thanks, sweetie. Yeah...enough's enough. I'm tired of life being so chaotic, even when it's slightly removed from my direct situation =/
agateway
Dec. 7th, 2003 02:26 pm (UTC)
Re: More than once
We all get in trouble when we overthink. At least you are bright enough to recognize things.

I feel you on the chaos. I do.

Just know I am around and just sent you an email.

love ya,
Mandy
none_too_subtle
Dec. 7th, 2003 03:40 pm (UTC)
Re: More than once
That's what worries me; maybe a little too bright, and thinking too much. Dunno. My creative and analytical sides are constantly at war, particularly when something like this hits so close, you know? Gonna check mail now..

xo
t
(Deleted comment)
none_too_subtle
Dec. 7th, 2003 05:54 pm (UTC)
Thanks
That's sweet. Are you gonna come rescue moi? :)

I'll live. I've convinced myself that EVERYONE goes through this crap. Don't they? *gulp*
( 9 whispered — Whisper to me )

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none_too_subtle
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Words.

Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
Thank you. If you see dear Mrs. Equitone,
Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.

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