I'm sitting here, trying to get the energy up to go shopping when she calls. She goes into details about what all she's given my brother and sister. Tells me that with the piano, the $1k, etc., that we're all square, and that I don't owe them anything. She adds also that she and my dad decided to 'buy all the kids something from me.' How sorry do I feel for myself right now??? I'm on a rollercoaster that never stops, with my mother, with...others, never to reconcile differences, only to be shocked at decisions made without me. I SHOULD feel relieved; but I feel bad. Bad that I've made horrific decisions which have all but financially ruined me; bad that my parents (particularly my mother) feel so sorry for me they're making 'it easy.' Bad that I can't muster up the gumption or whatever it takes to just square my life away. I sit here, crying, trying to think of ANYthing that would make me feel better. I don't drink, so that's not an option. I've all but alienated my real life friends, nor would I burden them with this right now. I'm speechless. Hell, this probably doesn't make sense. I'm tired of being happy to the outside world, and sad on in the inside. I'm tired period. Everyone asks themselves 'Why am I here? What's the meaning of life?' At times like these, all my thinking, rationalizing and answers seem so moot, so empty, so...non-existant that I really wonder why I didn't just die when I was hit by that car. I SHOULD'VE. The doctors thought I would.
I secretly expect everyone on my 'friends' list to bail right now. I wouldn't blame you. Depression is a wicked thing, and it sneaks up on you when you're not looking. I know the statistics; I know this time of year is hard, especially on singles. But I have never been affected by that. And right now, I'm not sure WHAT exactly is affecting me so seriously, but my brain, and the questions and answers it poses to me. I'm swimming in my own dark hole that I've created, carefully configured over the years, and alone. I want to believe the bad things that are said to me in the heat of anger. I DO believe them right now, even though these things come from only one, they still find a seat in your head and heart, and tend to stay there, waiting to pop up, tap you on the shoulder, and remind you of their existance. Things you never remember until you get like this. And this is no way to be.
Enough. I'm making it worse by rambling on about it. I'll probably be better in a couple of hours, and rush to the computer to delete this ANYway.