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I'm such a baby. My mother just called. She and I have had a lifetime feud about nothing and everything. Last year, my parent's loaned me a few dollars to help with Christmas, which of course launched mother and I into ANOTHER fight.

I'm sitting here, trying to get the energy up to go shopping when she calls. She goes into details about what all she's given my brother and sister. Tells me that with the piano, the $1k, etc., that we're all square, and that I don't owe them anything. She adds also that she and my dad decided to 'buy all the kids something from me.' How sorry do I feel for myself right now??? I'm on a rollercoaster that never stops, with my mother, with...others, never to reconcile differences, only to be shocked at decisions made without me. I SHOULD feel relieved; but I feel bad. Bad that I've made horrific decisions which have all but financially ruined me; bad that my parents (particularly my mother) feel so sorry for me they're making 'it easy.' Bad that I can't muster up the gumption or whatever it takes to just square my life away. I sit here, crying, trying to think of ANYthing that would make me feel better. I don't drink, so that's not an option. I've all but alienated my real life friends, nor would I burden them with this right now. I'm speechless. Hell, this probably doesn't make sense. I'm tired of being happy to the outside world, and sad on in the inside. I'm tired period. Everyone asks themselves 'Why am I here? What's the meaning of life?' At times like these, all my thinking, rationalizing and answers seem so moot, so empty, so...non-existant that I really wonder why I didn't just die when I was hit by that car. I SHOULD'VE. The doctors thought I would.

I secretly expect everyone on my 'friends' list to bail right now. I wouldn't blame you. Depression is a wicked thing, and it sneaks up on you when you're not looking. I know the statistics; I know this time of year is hard, especially on singles. But I have never been affected by that. And right now, I'm not sure WHAT exactly is affecting me so seriously, but my brain, and the questions and answers it poses to me. I'm swimming in my own dark hole that I've created, carefully configured over the years, and alone. I want to believe the bad things that are said to me in the heat of anger. I DO believe them right now, even though these things come from only one, they still find a seat in your head and heart, and tend to stay there, waiting to pop up, tap you on the shoulder, and remind you of their existance. Things you never remember until you get like this. And this is no way to be.

Enough. I'm making it worse by rambling on about it. I'll probably be better in a couple of hours, and rush to the computer to delete this ANYway.

Comments

( 7 whispered — Whisper to me )
pisslejane
Dec. 22nd, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Depression is scary but it's good that you can turn to us for some release. You call anytime. I'm going right now to email you my numbers. . . any time you need me hon.
none_too_subtle
Dec. 22nd, 2002 12:36 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I don't often feel like this, but I suppose this past year has finally caught up with me :(

I appreciate your help and support, I really do. Maybe I'll feel better if I take a nap or something...
3dbuddha
Dec. 22nd, 2002 04:52 pm (UTC)
If you ever need to talk let me know. I might not always know what to say, but I'm a fairly good listener :D Things always get better!!!
none_too_subtle
Dec. 22nd, 2002 06:12 pm (UTC)
Thanks :)
Thanks, sweetie. I'll take you up on that. I feel a lil better now, anyway (plus, I'm going to bed...good night's sleep might help).

xoxo
3dbuddha
Dec. 22nd, 2002 06:50 pm (UTC)
Re: Thanks :)
no prob, if you want or need to talk anytime let me know. :D Have a great sleep!!:D
publius13
Dec. 23rd, 2002 06:43 am (UTC)
Better late than never...
Nah, depression won't shake me off of yer friends list. Now, schizophrenia and manic disorders are a whole 'nother matter... ;)

Ah never been good at offering encouragement, but to be serious, I can't remember how the old saying goes verbatim, but the truth is only true if you believe it to be so. My addendum to this, though, is that the second opinions of your friends and close associates count too, and that these opinions must have some validity if they all contradict what you think of feel. Yeah, this probably doesn't make any sense....

Anyways...Acclamation vers le haut de mon ami! N'importe ce que les bosses de route vous peuvent rencontrer, le chemin au futur est toujours lumineux.
none_too_subtle
Dec. 23rd, 2002 06:54 am (UTC)
Re: Better late than never...
You're absolutely right. I hear ONLY great things from everyone (co-workers, friends, associates, business professionals); the hateful things come from my mother and...another.

I knew I'd get over it. I was just having a girl moment. I get like this occasionally, but it takes an 'incident' to make it happen (like yesterday, which only got worse, thanks to culprit #2).

I didn't expect guys to respond... :) I knows how yous are :) But I appreciate it... :) I feel much better today, but then I AM angry; that overrides depression ANY day. Plus I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest...
( 7 whispered — Whisper to me )

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Here is Belladonna, the Lady of the Rocks,
The lady of situations.
Here is the man with three staves, and here the Wheel,
And here is the one-eyed merchant, and this card
Which is blank, is something that he carries on his back,
Which I am forbidden to see. I do not find
The Hanged Man. Fear death by water.
I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring.
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Tell her I bring the horoscope myself;

One must be so careful these days.
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