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Ze pet funnayyyyyy

A Letter to my Pets


Dear Dogs and Cats:

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a queen sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping!! They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm. How dare?!

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, and KNOW for a fact that canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs and cats are better than unruly kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the offspring.



Heh. Lemme amuse myself, mkay?

Comments

( 18 whispered — Whisper to me )
ramdonomo
Aug. 18th, 2004 07:10 pm (UTC)
Teh funneh bai da Terrah.

*dances*
none_too_subtle
Aug. 18th, 2004 08:54 pm (UTC)
Eeep. Today, as you know, has been nothing short of horrific (and with the e-mail I just got from a friend, it's even worse than it was earlier). I HAD to amuse myself :/ I did forget to mention the electric can-opener, which cats feel they have a monopoly on. Meh.
lifeisbad
Aug. 19th, 2004 05:57 am (UTC)
uhh you feeling ok? >_< didn't bump your head onto anything did you?

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

I loved that. ^_^

What typa dogs ya got?
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 06:52 am (UTC)

*sobs*


I had a blue Italian Greyhound who was dog napped :( :( :(

*sobs again*
lifeisbad
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:26 pm (UTC)
those bastards

V_V

can I send you a pic of someone and you tell me what you think? It's a bad pic thugh
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:42 pm (UTC)
Sure, you can send me a pic. Butttttttttt what I think typically depends on someone's personality. I'll be happy to look at it for ya, though :)
lifeisbad
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:50 pm (UTC)
usually is not always ^_^
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:51 pm (UTC)
Not many things in life are that definite. :-D Beauty is only skin deep, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, etc. etc...so sennnnnnnd away! You have my e-mail (I think? Ja.). :-D

Waaaaaaaaaaaaiiiting. :)
lifeisbad
Aug. 19th, 2004 02:53 pm (UTC)
might take a while...gotta attach the pic ^_^

lalalalala

when you look at it, keep in mind that it's a SCHOOL photo and they are ALWAYS bad.
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
No need to preface the photo with explanations. Er...I am also a photographer and know how these things work :-D Plus, I'm not THAT critical! If it's a High School photo, then growing up isn't even accomplished yet :) So it's cool. Send-a.
lifeisbad
Aug. 19th, 2004 03:17 pm (UTC)
I did send it....
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC)
Eeeps. Not here yet.
shannon_elaine
Aug. 19th, 2004 06:56 am (UTC)
HA HA HA HA HA

This has to be the best thing I've read today!!
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 06:59 am (UTC)
Yay!!! I'm glad, because yesterday er, I was gloom doom and destruction. :-D It HAD to end at some point, eh? LOL.

But I'm kicking myself for neglecting (a) the can-opener; and (b) the laser light follies. Heh.
sixgun45lc
Aug. 19th, 2004 10:32 am (UTC)
This is SO right on! I love it and humbly beg permission to print and share with my wife.
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 10:51 am (UTC)
But of course ya can :)
sixgun45lc
Aug. 19th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)
Why, thank you, ma'am. :)
none_too_subtle
Aug. 19th, 2004 11:32 am (UTC)
Whyyyy yer welcome :-D
( 18 whispered — Whisper to me )

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