Creeping Through The Cellar Door (none_too_subtle) wrote,
Creeping Through The Cellar Door
none_too_subtle

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Key life points a girl needs to recognize and appreciate

  • Any guy who claims his best friend is someone who looks like "mama" from "Throw Mama From The Train" is not even dating material, much less serious relationship material. Thank God you didn't go past second base and move on.

  • If you can legally say "I'm literally old enough to be his mother", which technically means "Okay, if I do the math -- beginning with the day I was deflowered until today -- and contemplate ANYthing other than a nodding friendship with him, then you probably need your head checked. That is, if you haven't already taken his.

  • If you can legally say "He's literally old enough to be my father," then you can bet your lil young arse cheeks he's after more than "just friends," or "being your little daddy you never had." Believe me. Trust me on this one. And if you ARE stupid enough to go anywhere with him? Don't say I didn't warn you. (I'll censor the rest of my thoughts on this, as it shouldn't be consumed by ANY audience, underage or otherwise.)

  • Remember that stupid Blonde movie? It was crappy, but there was some truth to that old blonde-and-still-single-at-800 thing. Remember that. This only, however, applies to bleach-blondes. Just resist the urge, continue using lemon juice and baking soda, and you'll be fine. Keep using that bottled crap, and you'll be BALD by 30. TRUST ME. I'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN.

  • If you've been married more than twice, it's safe to say that you might /think/ you make grand decisions, but the biggest ones should be conferred with a Real Adult.

  • The MAJOR difference between children (say, Kelsey's age, younger), teens, college students and adults is food. And sex. Both of which are pretty much the same. Children don't WANNA eat, because they'd rather play; teens eat fast and anything they can get their hands on; college students *think* they go for the gold, the "next step up from Arby's" but THEN eat like a teenager (you know, they think ANYthing is a step up from McD's). Adults on the other hand, enjoy the day-long Italian buffet. LEARN ITTTTTTTT. Realizing there are exceptions to every rule (except kids hating everything YOU want them to eat), try not to stray from this path whilst indulging in whatever meal you see.

  • While it's cruel that mother nature throws men and women into their primes at different times, there are advantages to all that. Learn to use it to yours. If you find you need a translator just to understand all the crap that spews from their pieholes, then it's time to moveeeeee along.

    Those things. Yeah.

    I really shouldn't let my mind wander and then just sit down and say it. I'm still "contemplating" these book changes. HEY. IT'S MY JOB FOR RIGHT NOW. >:o
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