I dread the tests. While I'd love to refuse taking /those/ just like I've totally refused all invasive operations the victor alpha says I *need*, I can't. If I refuse taking the tests, medications stop. So...among these tests is the nuclear stress test, the one which almost killed me. Twice. In one year. How much do I dread this?! While I absolutely, 100% don't fear death (at all), what I DO...not fear, but loathe is how painful it is. For those who've never had heart problems, and are bored enough to read my journal entries, trust me when I tell you that you don't EVER want to have the nuclear. They inject you with nuclear meds (and by now, I could illuminate my entire condo by sticking a finger in a socket), and THEN, when your heart is LITERALLY RACING, they stick you on a treadmill. The problem is, the treadmill steadily becomes more difficult, because they're trying to see how much it takes for your heart to give out. It's SUICIDE to take it. And the last two times, I passed OUT. One of which I actually suffered a mild cardio...issue, as was evidenced in follow up blood work. Some tests, in my opinion, aren't WORTH taking especially when you know the patient is just...ill. Then the blood work for other issues. I HONEST TO GOD don't WANT to know the results. I don't. I know they're not getting better; they can't. So what? Is this like "Death Watch For Terri 2006" or WHAT? I'm going to talk to my doctor and BEG HER not to make me go through some of them. I have been diagnosed/prognoses have been made, and to ME, that's enough. I refuse invasive surgery of ANY kind, and THAT should be enough.
And I ramble. Because I'm scared. And if this day puts me down like my last all-day-test-fest did, to the point to where I can't have Kelsey, I'm going to raise a ruckus the likes of which the victor alpha's never seen. That is, if I survive. HELL, THAT'S NOT EVEN A JOKE. I need to be careful about what I joke. Or something.
Since the timing of all this is so odd, I had to take a full day off. Again, it was probably a good thing, since I know I'll be...not well by the time I get back home. Driving myself isn't a good idea (they told me, in fact, to get a driver...YEAH OKAY), and now I'm stuck with Eddie's death/money-sucking mobile. The funmobile...yeah. Won't go there right now or I'll scream.
Mkay. Once again, I need to heed my own advice about journaling at NIGHT, particularly after taking Klonopin. Just not good, unless I keep 100% of what I write behind locked doors. I tend to spout off whatever pops up as it occurs. Not good business no matter how you slice it. While Mikey absolutely deserves whatever happens to him, the TRUTH is...um, I don't care. So. Maybe I'll give him lenience. We all deserve that at some point, non? Maybe not. Just depends. Plus, I can't publicly share the photo I really wanted to because like it or not, journal or not, it's...um...well, any 14 year old could VIEW it. And I will not be responsible for that, even if this IS my journal.
This is why I want to change names and disappear sometimes. With no interests, no location, nothing that stands out, NO ONE could find me on El Jay. This occurs to me more than once during a week lately. Geez. When I ask myself "why" it kinda makes me sick. So.
The only thing I am happy about right now is the fact that all "this" (the internet/journal/stuff) does not at ALL affect my life. Life is affecting life. The people here who like or dislike me don't at all concern me. Seriously. They just don't. I think "friendship" on El Jay is...a very ambiguous thing as is. Not to trivialize those who ARE my friends in here (and they know who they are), but the system could be restructured. That way, the REAL REAL friends could have their own little tier, and THEN things would be right and well in my lil world. Acquaintances? Something. It needs to be rethought. I don't think I'm alone in my feeling this way. But THEN, you'd have a wholeeeeee new slew of drama when you have to cut one loose. GREAAAAAAT. Disappearing seems best. Gads.
Alrighty. So much for all that good-mood-ness I had goin' on the past few days. LOL. I think I'll just end all this now, get ready for the next heart attack, and er...prepare to be poked/prodded/tortured by the hacks at the victor alpha.
Ja. That's that.